September 18, 2008
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Little Bully?
Yesterday, at the park, Jack and I ran into Cindy, a mom I met a few weeks ago, and her 16-month-old son, Asher. I'm always happy to see a familiar face at the park (it's happening more and more, now that I'm home with Jack
). Cindy and I chatted while our sons toddled around. At one point, Jack was banging on the metal piano attached to the side of one of the play structures. Asher wandered over and also hit a few of the keys. Jack looked at him, squawked in mild protest and waved his hand near Asher's face. Asher walked away and all was well for a second. Then, Jack walked off after Asher, who had stopped and was looking up at a slide. I thought Jack was just following Asher, but no, he reached out and swiped at Asher's shoulder. It looked (for a millisecond) like Jack had just been getting Asher's attention, and that the two boys were going to engage in some cute toddler interaction. However, my illusion was shattered as Jack grabbed a fistful of Asher's shirt, furrowed his eyebrows, and then pushed hard. Asher fell to the ground in surprise and hit his forehead (his back was still to Jack when this happened). Luckily, that area of the playground is made of soft foam, but I was still pretty mortified. Asher started crying, of course, and ran to Cindy. As soon as it happened, I ran over to Jack, knelt down, looked him in the eyes and said, "NO!" very sternly. I told him (very briefly) that it is not OK to push people. Then we went over to Cindy and Asher and apologized profusely. After that, we went home. No more playtime for the day. Jack took his punishment in stride. He protested at leaving, but that was about it. I'm not sure he knew what he did wrong!
Luckily, Cindy was breezy about the whole thing. I realize that's what little boys do, but it just seemed so purposeful! My cheerful, happy-go-lucky son deliberately pushed someone! Just earlier yesterday, I had been so pleased when a friend came over with her baby, and Jack tried to give the baby a pacifier when she cried. "What a lovely display of empathy!" I thought. Sigh. It got me to thinking that lately, I've observed Jack's unwillingness to share. He's fine with me and Johnny, and he shares all too happily with Atari, but at the park, or at his My Gym classes, he gets upset when other kids come take what's "his." Interestingly enough, he doesn't really protest when a little girl takes his stuff, but he swipes his hands and makes squawking noises when other boys take his things or want a turn with something he's playing with. I wonder if he picks it up by observing older boys, who are rough with each other? I mean, Johnny and I don't push and yell at each other (at least, we don't yell at each other in front of Jack, haha) -- I'm not sure where he's learning it. Or is it just innate?
I suppose the positive side of this is that Jack stands up for himself and is independent. To a large extent, I think it's just normal toddler stuff -- exploring boundaries, learning cause and effect ("Hey, if I push someone, it causes them to fall! Cool!"). But, I'll still be encouraging such concepts as "gentle," "share," and "no hitting/pushing."
p.s. In some kind of poetic justice, as we were leaving the park yesterday, after we had apologized to Cindy and Asher, Jack was walking quickly in an attempt to escape from me. He ran right into Cindy's leg (she had been looking at Asher, who had wandered off into the distance -- probably to escape Jack -- and not been paying attention to the toddlers underfoot). The force of this sudden encounter with Cindy's shin caused Jack to fall back and smack the back of his head on the foamy surface. Of course, Jack cried and held up his arms to be hugged. As I rubbed his back, I said, "Jack, this is an early lesson about karma." Is it terrible that although I was dismayed about Jack bumping his head, I had to stifle a giggle?
Comments (16)
Well I suppose all toddlers go through this sort of stage at one point or another, right? Just the other day I was down at the bus station, and there was a Mom there with what I would assume to be a 4 or 5 year old girl, and a toddler (also a girl) in a stroller.
Now the 4 or 5 year old every so often would look over at her mom, and hit her for no reason. The mom (of course) says "NO!" and holds her hand down because the girl wouldn't stop hitting her. The girl looks at her hand being restrained, and you can tell the mom isn't doing it hard or anything, just enough so the little girl couldn't hit her again, and starts shreiking at the top of her lungs about how her mom is "hurting her".
So of course, the embarassed mother lets go of the hand. No sooner did she let go of the hand, the girl reaches out and smacks her mother again! So once again the Mom holds her hand down, again not rough or anything... more like just keeping it at bay, and again the girl shrieks about how much she's hurting her, to "stop hurting her" and all that lovely stuff. Repeat scene a few more times and then I got on the bus.
Can I say Oh. My. God.???
The little girl was totally being a brat. I'm dreading those stages! So I guess when it comes to Jack it's really not that bad, eh?
Of course I would have had the same reaction as you did... but I had to laugh at the karma lesson. I'm a FIRM believer in karma, and always giggle when I see instant karma, regardless if it's inflicted on me or other people.
Jack will learn as he goes, and I suppose this is just one of those learning lessons, right? When my little one gets to this stage I'll be sure to come to you for advice with how you handled it!
Happy Thursday!
I always think it's better to be a bully than to be bullied on. I don't think kids learn to be a bully, I believe it is innate. (but what I do really know?)
Both my kids grew up in the same environment - I have one of each - Tyson the bully and Tristan is always the victim. Sigh...
kids are kids. they don't know any better. what do a 16 mths know? but yeah it's time to teach them stuff liek this.......
kids just love the PARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
awww...I don't think Jack knew he was being a bully. He was probably just acting out of human nature of being an only child. I'm sure you'll gently correct his ways and lead him to be a perfect little angel:)
I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle at the last paragraph
When Hannah was younger and I was taking her to the Mommy & Me classes at The Little Gym, she was very laid back and often let kids do whatever - they would constantly walk over and take things from her or push her and she would just take it in stride. What really annoyed me were the moms that just let it happen and didn't say anything. Even though Hannah usually wasn't upset by these encounters, they still should correct their children and try to explain to them. There were a lot of moms that would say, "gentle" to their babies though and I started using that with Hannah and she understood pretty well.
Now that Hannah is older, it's a whole different ball game. When we are around a big group of children she doesn't know she is pretty reserved and will let them bully her, but she is starting to protest...loudly! When she's around babies she knows though, such as Kyle, she's not very good at sharing. She's not really rough with him, but the whole sharing thing has been a hard concept for her to grasp. This makes me nervous for when Baby Boy arrives, but I'm hoping that by the time he's ready to play with toys she will be better at sharing. I'm also very nervous about how she'll be when she starts pre-school. All I can do is try to teach her the right things and hope that they sink in!!!
Poor Jack... Some day he'll figure it out, I hope very soon. Poor Asher!
@shelly1196 - Yes, I've been using "gentle" a lot. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Atari lets Jack push him around, which may be part of the reason why Jack thinks it's OK to push other people. Jack always wants to "hug" or "pet" Atari, and he's doing it out of love, but he doesn't get the concept of gentle, so he ends up beating or pushing Atari. I'm always correcting him. But anyway, since Atari takes it, Jack probably thinks it's OK. Yikes.
I bet Hannah will be a great helper when BB arrives. By then, she'll be even older, and she may really take to her role as the big sis! When are you starting her in preschool? Have you started looking? I'm a bit nervous because a lot of moms I know have already put their kids (who are Jack's age) on preschool waiting lists! Meanwhile, I don't even know where we'll be living.
Very interesting... And I could have written your last comment. Alex LOVES our dog, but his attempts at affection and playing are way too rough for our tastes, especially since we have such a small dog. We are constantly telling him to be gentle, but I fell like it just goes in one ear and out the other. And our dog is so needy that he just sucks up the attention, instead of running away to protect himself! Anyway, I do wonder how this will carry over into Alex's interaction with other kids. So far, we haven't gotten any calls or reports from day care, and he loves playing with his older cousins, but you never know. I have noticed that he needs some work on sharing - the life of an only child! He was just grabbing toys from some of his older cousins, not understanding that they were in the middle of a game with them, etc. On the one hand, I want to say to the older kids "look, Alex just doesn't understand - you have to be patient with him," especially since they've grown up around lots of kids and should know that this kind of stuff happens. But I also don't want Alex to develop bad habits that are harder to break later - it's a tough age in that regard!
I seriously think it must be a boy thing, because Christian does similar things to Emilee (his only current playmate). She gets him back, though, so it's mildly funny.
It's just a stage, I've read, though, just as long as you are being consistent in consequences.
Just wait until he turns two! haha. It's hilarious when Kailyn gets smacked by one of my babysitting kids and SHE will say "Sorry, Kamryn!" =) Can you tell I've taught her the word sorry? I hate to say, but it def gets worse! We are going through this stage right now. She has pinched, slapped and pushed me at least 10 times today! It really shocked me when she did it for the first time, because she has never seen Daniel or I hit before. I guess it just comes naturally to them. I've started putting Kailyn into time out (for about 2 minutes) or I just send her to her room so she can cool off. Of course, you really can't do that to Jack yet, because he is so young. When Kailyn was that age, I would pretend to cry and tell her, "That really hurts mommy when you hit!" I can't wait until this stage is gone!
LMAO i would've giggled, too. Poor Jack. karma sucks.
My mom (who worked as the director of the one year old room at one of the best day cares around ehre) would tell you that it is totally normal. But when I tell her ANYTHING that Steph does she says, "Just like KELLY!" Stephanie is pretty mean. She'll walk up to Thade and poke him in the back of the head for no reason, so at least Jack has a reason to what he is doing....even if it is wrong. I probably wouldn't have made him leave, but he definitely would have gotten a time out!
I'll tell you a secret....don't tell Thade, b/c he didn't realize what she was doing, but yesterday Steph would take a sip of her water, lean over Thade's head (he was lying on the floor watching cartoons) and let the water dribble from her mouth and into his hair. He knew something was going on.....but he didn't know exactly what! LMBO! I got onto her and made her stand in time out. She didn't do it anymore, so I am guessing she learned her lesson....but who taught her to do that?!
That was a cute story! I don't think Jack is a bully, he is too cute to be one-lol. Or he is a cute bully.
) I think most toddlers go through that stage and its pretty normal. Jackie's baby Audrey is a handful and she will be two in Jan! And I would've laughed too..I def. believe in karma!!
ryc: Oh I know what you mean about the decor. I'm afraid Sophie will pull off all the ornaments on my Christmas tree this year. I'm gonna hang them high and I might not put presents under the tree-we'll see.
And for the empenada dough, I just used ready made pie crust!! The dough was already flat, so I just rolled it out a bit more and then I crimped the sides w/ a fork. Paula Deen makes it easy. I couldn't make real pie dough w/out messing it up! MMmm I wish we had fresh empenadas from a market around here....I'd be buying them all the time!! Hope you and the family have a great weekend!
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I'm guessing this is a very normal thing for toddlers (not that I have kids or anything) and no, I don't think that Jack is becoming a bully. But the karma lesson was pretty funny-I'd have to suppress a giggle too!
Even the sweetest, nicest, well-parented children do unexpected things. Like you said he's learning who he is and what his boundaries are. And I'm sure understandable to other parents too. I'm also shocked that you know a child named Asher! Here I thought I chose a name that was pretty uncommon for my 3rd child and now I'm not so sure.
@glorycato - No, I think you can rest assured that you chose an uncommon name (and a really nice, manly one, in my opinion!). I only know this one Asher, and that's pretty unusual! Thanks for the reassurance, too, that this is just a stage.
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