June 22, 2010
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Bittersweet
Lately, Jack’s been into his Dr. Seuss books. His favorite is Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Jack’s copy is very precious to me, as it was given to me 11 years ago by Ann, my wonderful “pledge mom,” who is still one of my nearest and dearest friends, during Delta Zeta’s pledge mom week. Nearly every night, Jack requests that I read it to him, starting with the lovely note that Ann wrote on the inside front cover. By now, he’s probably memorized every word.
Tonight, during his bath, Jack announced, “Mommy, tomorrow I go the places I go.” My first reaction was, “Huh?” He repeated himself. “Tomorrow I go the places I go.” I realized that he was referencing the book.
“Oh!” I said. “And where’s that?”
“The place where everyone waiting,” Jack replied. Pause. Then, “But that’s not place for me! I go to the boom band place! Clang! Bang! Music!” He then got distracted and started splashing water everywhere, but after a minute or so, looped back to the conversation. “I go there tomorrow.”
“Sounds great!” I said. “Can I go too?”
Jack considered this, then said, “No, I go by myself. I go alone. You stay home with Mommy and Derek.” (I’m not sure why, but Jack’s doing this thing where he’ll list me or Johnny twice, but he’ll count the correct number of people. For example, he’ll say to me, “Three of us are going to a movie. You, Mommy, Daddy and Jack. Three of us.”)
It was a short little exchange, but it made me feel wistful. He’s growing up so quickly, to the point where he understands more complex books. Right now, he thinks he’s literally going to some physical destination where everyone waits, and then to some noisy “boom band place,” but during this conversation, I realized that someday, Jack will go to exciting places, literally and figuratively, all by himself. There will come a time when I’m not a direct part of his adventures, and when that time comes, I’ll know that I’ve done my parenting job successfully … but it will be difficult to let him go.
After the bath, Jack wanted to read Oh, the Places You’ll Go! (of course). He reiterated that tomorrow, he would go to the boom band place. Then, he asked me to “carry him into bed like a baby.” So I scooped him up and was hit once again by a bittersweet surge of wistfulness. In Jack’s mirrored closet door, I saw that his bottom half was totally dangling out of my arms. The circle of my arms that once so perfectly contained his entire body now only cradles his neck and his upper back. I had a flashback to a moment when Jack was five weeks old. I was trying desperately to rock him to sleep after a 2 a.m. feeding, but Jack was really alert and nowhere near sleep. I was tired and frustrated, and I just kept pacing my room with a tightly swaddled Jack in my arms. At one point, near tears, I caught sight of myself in a mirror, and thought, “He’ll never be exactly this little again.” For whatever reason, I committed the feeling of his weight in my arms, and his appearance at that moment — swaddled in a light blue cotton flannel blanket, dark hair sticking up wildly from his head, those giant ears, the wide eyes — to memory. At the time, I thought, “One day, you’ll actually look back on this sleepless night fondly.” Tonight, I did just that. The last almost three years have been an exciting blur — all of Jack’s infant and early toddler milestones, Derek’s arrival, the purchase of our first home, various celebrations with friends and family — that I haven’t had much time to reflect on how quickly Jack’s growing up. But, tonight it hit me just how much he’s changed since he was that warm little bundle in my arms. I don’t have any more bundles to hold. Derek’s weaned himself off of all his bottles except his morning bottle and no longer needs to be held or rocked to sleep. During the day, he’s eager to crawl and cruise, and he only wants to be held as a mode of transportation, or to check out something interesting at my eye level. I guess what I’m saying is: I miss my babies!
… but, I don’t miss them so much that I want to have another one. No, thank you. I’m eager to experience all the fun ahead with my big boys. But, be forewarned: Occasionally, I’ll drag you down my rose-colored memory lane!
Comments (9)
I got all teary eyed reading this!! People always say that your kids grow up too fast….i never believed them until i see Ella growing up. I looked at her in her crib the other night and she is HUGE in there. I remember when the crib seemed so big and she was so tiny in it. I am having a really hard time grasping the thought of going through 9 months of pregnancy and having a newborn again, but this post helped me realize that it’s worth it and that they won’t be small for very long.
That is so cute what Jack did in the tub. He is so smart! I am excited for when Ella can communicate with me. I know i will laugh all the time at the things she says and i think that’s so exciting and fun. Do you have Dr. Seuss’s ”Great Day for Up” book? It’s quite a bit more simple than “Oh the Place You’ll Go,” but Ella is loving her Up book because she just learned how to say “Up” so she’s constantly saying ‘up’ as i’m reading the book. It’s so cute.
@ShamrockLover - No, I don’t have that! I’ll have to get it — I’m sure Jack would enjoy it, too, and maybe it’s something I can read to both him and Derek! I read to Jack all the time starting from his infancy, but I haven’t done as much for poor Derek. It IS hard to transition to two kids, but it’s rewarding, too. I’ll be honest, though, and say that it took quite a few months before I really began to enjoy being a mom of two! Those first few months were just a blur — there was no time or left over energy for enjoyment.
But, that time does pass quickly. It’s fun to watch them grow up together.
aww, beverly, are you TRYING to make a pregnant girl cry?? you have put such a vivid mental picture in my head, i can assure you that i will remember this when i’m having a newborn mommy moment and it will really help put things in perspective
love, jenn
What a beautiful post!! I think its so important to drink in those memories and revisit them later; time keeps on marching whether we are going along with it willingly or if we go digging in our heels (which is what I do most days). Oh, and I think Jack has GREAT taste in books! LOL!
What a nice post. The kiddo will be three years old in exactly a month — I feel happy & sad at the same time. Some days I am in denial though
–Sree
Oh Beverly, that was just beautiful. Thank you for reminding me to stop every once in a while and take everything in.
Awww, how sweet. But seriously…time flies!!! To me Jack is still learning to eat soft food and Derek should still be breastfeeding! I seriously hope to meet you and your family one day!
@geniusbarb - I know, sometimes I feel like that should be the case, too. I hope we get to meet one day, as well!
Loved this post Beverly! Your mirror moment was so similar to some of mine…I do miss my little babies but also like you I get excited watching them grow into their own independant little selves! It makes me proud every day to be their momma…so much fun!