April 2, 2009

• Transitions

  Recently I've realized that I'm in a period of difficult transition with Jack. He's no longer an infant; he's headed toward independent toddlerhood. Yet, our parenting technique has still been stuck in the infant stages of "let's meet his needs immediately." Back when Jack was a baby, that's all we needed to do -- when he cried, we just changed or fed him, or gave him a change of scenery, and he would be fine. However, now he has relatively few immediate needs, and he uses crying rather manipulatively. As I watch Jack turn on the TV by himself, beg for (and receive) Goldfish at any time of day, refuse to eat breakfast unless he can roam around munching cereal out of a snack cup while playing with his toys, and run around like a whirling dervish, knocking things off every surface in the apartment, it's clear to me that unless something changes, we're headed toward Spoiled Bratville.

  Sure, to a large extent, those behaviors come with this stage in Jack's development, and no, I don't expect (or want) a child who quietly obeys orders like a robot. I also don't want to discipline my child by shouting and glaring -- it's more a matter of consistency. I can see that these less desirable behaviors come directly from my actions and attitude. When I have a work email to reply to, or a conference call to hop on, or shoot, if I just want to check in on Xanga, it's easy to give Jack a cup of Goldfish, turn on the TV and buy myself 15 minutes. If he starts pushing his high chair around while I'm about to drop dead from exhaustion, what's the harm in letting him do it while I sit on the couch for five minutes? Well, this is the harm: a toddler who expects to get what he wants, when he wants. It would be one thing if Jack were going to be an only child (and even then, it wouldn't be a good thing), but soon, a baby will be on the scene, and I think it would do everyone (especially Jack) some good if Jack could learn to respect some boundaries (i.e., the living room is not the same as the park). He's now reached a point where he knows what the boundaries are but also knows there are no consequences for crossing them, and he knows that if he just bugs Mommy long enough, or cries loudly enough, he'll get what he wants.

  Bear with me here, but I'm going to compare my child to my dog for a moment. When Atari was a puppy, Johnny and I were really consistent with him. We would make him earn every piece of kibble by learning a trick or obeying a command, and no meant no. We let him romp around like any puppy should, but we taught him his boundaries: No playing with shoes meant no playing with shoes, not even to paw at them. No jumping on people or the couch meant exactly that, and mealtimes were at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m., no exceptions. If Atari didn't eat after the food had been out for 15 minutes, then he just would have to wait until the next meal. We never hit Atari or did anything mean -- we just calmly (for the most part) let him know when he did something wrong, removed him from the situation and doled out the consequence, whether that was removal of food or taking away a toy or being ignored for a minute. Despite working 10-hour days, I would say Johnny and I spent at least two hours each day training Atari. I would like to think that Atari's wonderful behavior is a result of our efforts. Those of you who have met him in real life would agree, I think, that Atari is perhaps the mellowest dog there is. And, I have always said, with utter seriousness, that I don't want to wake up one day and realize that my dog is better behaved than my child!

  So, all those things being said, I have decided to take action and stop being a lazy mommy. Jack's a toddler with naturally boundless energy, and it's up to me to guide that energy in positive ways. I am parenting an independent-minded little person, not a helpless infant, and it's time to step up instead of just complain about how terrible toddlerhood is. I am doing the following:

  * Going back to a set meal/snacktime routine. While Jack and I were in Taiwan, I stupidly let him get into the bad habit of not sitting in his chair for breakfast. I wanted to keep the peace while we were traveling, so when he suddenly refused to sit in his chair and eat his yogurt one morning, I let him down to wander around and play, occasionally nibbling on a piece of toast or grabbing a handful of cereal. You can guess where this has led. Lately, again out of tiredness or needing to make homebuying- or work-related phone calls, I've also given snacks away from the table, at all times of day. While I think it's fine to give a cup of Goldfish to Jack if we happen to be going on an errand in the car during snacktime, I do think it would be good to go back to a set at-table snacktime when we're at home. This morning, Jack refused to eat his breakfast. I didn't make an issue of it, but he also didn't get anything else to eat until his 9 a.m. snacktime, which he dutifully ate at the table. So far, so good -- eventually he will go back to eating breakfast in his chair, by himself, like he did perfectly until I started the bad habit on our trip. Soon our mornings will be hectic enough, tending to a newborn and a toddler, and it would really help if we could have the 20 minutes where Jack is in his chair, eating as he should be. Also, this should nip the crying for Goldfish at random times during the day in the bud.

  * More consistent adherence to rules. While we've always been consistent on the big things (like, "No climbing the bookcase" or "No standing up on the couch; you must sit" or "No touching the outlet"), I'm not always consistent on other things, like touching the TV screen or the power button, or pushing the high chair around, or throwing toys forcefully while indoors. Today I've made a point to be firm yet gentle, but most of all consistent. Jack's been in the "naughty corner" a few times for the second instance of disobeying a particular rule. I know from past experience (for instance, the no standing on the couch thing) that if Jack is rebuffed a few (OK, maybe 20) times, he will get the idea and stop the behavior. So, it's just up to me.

  * More involved parenting. A lot of this stuff originated with me -- I have to admit that when it comes to parenting, I tend to be more in the "make sure he doesn't injure himself, and that he's happy and fed" camp rather than in the stimulating-my-child camp. Obviously, Jack tests boundaries most when he's bored, so I'm going to do more activities with him, preferably ones that will encourage him to develop patience. For instance, this morning we pulled out a stacking toy with many small wooden rings, and much to my surprise, Jack kept at it for 20 minutes and eventually was even able to get a small red ball on the very top of the stack. He kept struggling with it, but instead of simply putting it on for him, or putting the toy away when he cried out of frustration, I repeatedly (and I do mean, repeatedly) showed him how to match the hole with the wooden stick, and eventually he got it and was very proud of himself. Fine motor skill practice, and he was patient for the first time in weeks. This also means that I'm going to stop looking for easy ways to distract Jack so I can go about my own business. If work has to wait until after he's in bed, then so be it (right now, he's napping ). The TV can no longer be my babysitter (we unplugged it this morning, and we have been TV-free since 7 a.m.! A record), unless it's a really urgent situation (as in, I have to do something for work right away ... blogging and wanting to have downtime don't count). Jack can still watch, but I get to decide when and for how long.

  * More patience on my part for crying. Finally, I just have to develop some eardrums of steel. I tend to give in to Jack when he throws a huge tantrum, just to get the crying over with, especially if we're out and about. Luckily, Jack doesn't often throw tantrums when we're shopping (he seems to love shopping! Ha!), but at home or in waiting rooms, he's an expert at screaming until we give him what he wants. No more of that! The thing is, when we're out, Jack knows I have all sorts of goodies in my diaper bag, which I've prepared to keep him entertained. But, he won't get them if he's screaming.

  So, no big drastic changes -- just some adjustments on my part, both in what I do and in my attitude. Mostly it means that I'll be working hard on giving Jack my full attention, not just on making sure he's OK while I accomplish everything on my to-do list. I'm a huge multitasker, but really, I can't apply that to parenting to the extent that I have been. This will be an adjustment period for both of us, but it can only be good in the long run. Wish us luck!

  • 3:38 pm
  • 14 Comments